My entire family is from one little area in the United States; West Texas. I however moved around so of course this has caused the need to drive back and forth. Even as a child this was one of the greatest moments of my life. Taking shape of my perceptions of my country and fellow man. I have built a culture on traveling.
As a child I remember packing my stuff into a convenient bag in a limited amount of time. This was actually fun for me. I was told a time frame of being gone and the amount of trunk space; for some reason my little brain loved this. Then we all loaded up and off we went.
I never slept and loved to eat. I wanted all the energy and see all the sights. It amazed me to see the land change from forest to desert. You hardly even notice it at anytime it just pops up cactus after awhile but the previous form is still there then blends so perfectly with the next land form. I tried to find markers along the way; when the land stops rolling, when the first mesa comes in, the edge of the pine forest. I'd just stare right out the window.
Passing cars probably gotta a little nervous when I was staring. Not only was I fascinated with the land change but I wanted to look in every car window. I wanted to see how many people, if they where old or young. I imagined different life stories for each and everyone of them. Mostly just quick stories since the next car was typically right behind them. I have been caught staring but that didn't seem to bother me I wanted a wave from them so I made it obvious.
The greatest thing about traveling is the feeling of returning home. As I age it increases more and more, but its a great feeling. People of my hometown complain just like everyone that is stuck in the same town for such a long time, but me I love my hometown. People fear being homesick, but I say thats just your body preparing for this moment.
Sunday, June 5, 2011
Sunday, May 29, 2011
The Innocence of a Child
Children do many things; some bad, some good, funny, or just plain stupid! I was no different as a child! Probably as an adult as well. Throughout my life I still look back on what I was thinking when I was engaging in certain activities. Really its right after I got in trouble when these thoughts became something observable.
Probably one of the first 'bad' things I did growing up, that I can remember, was carving into furniture. I was so innocent with this behavior that I even signed my name thinking it was cool and even be appreciated. It wasn't till after the fact that my grandfather yelled at me did I even begin to see the permanent consequences of my actions, and even further till I realized the tackiness of this carved-in coffee table.
This event even had a future following event years down the road, in my mind I made it a direct connection. I made my room furniture a collage of carvings. I was rebelling on my toddler experience, of being yelled at, during my teenager years to even further my self righteous idea that it was not a big deal to carve into a coffee table. As an adult I see I was only partially right and so was my grandfather. Yet my grandfather stands in a more righteous position in this event considering it was his coffee table.
Now this one I really feel dumb! During a major sleet storm in Texas, I was out playing in the ice with my sisters. I happen to run across a piece of ice that was perfect size to throw. Of course as a kid throwing things just sounds fun, but I wanted to add a little more to the situation. I decided to find out what would happen if I threw it at my sister! I don't remember having a mean intention to this action yet I'm not sure what I was expecting. I think I just didn't think about results; I was merely interested in discovering that. Maybe its just early childhood curiosity. The results, my sister was hurt! Sorry Lil Sis, I love ya!! It does make me rethink events such as a child pushing a vase off the table causing it break, maybe the child was discovering.
My discovery in lipstick being able to draw did not go unexperimented either. I don't remember what I wrote but I do remember doing it. I've always enjoyed watching the texture of writing materials as they glide on a surface. I don't ever remember using crayons on the wall, but I think I was told enough times not to use crayons so I didn't connect lipstick to count. It is after all not crayons!
Now as a child it is easy to learn about things but not value. I learned easily that the thermostat controls temperature. What I did not learn that it cost money and money has a limit! When I saw my little Chihuahua shivering one day I really thought I was being smart, so I turned up the thermostat. Solved the problem of my dog being cold, did not help my dad feel any better!
I think adults forget these innocent times of being a child. It's a time to learn and experience the basic simple things. I am going to choose to remember such times during the life of my child. Maybe slip back in such a mindset and even set up a situation under my supervision. Who knows it could work!
Probably one of the first 'bad' things I did growing up, that I can remember, was carving into furniture. I was so innocent with this behavior that I even signed my name thinking it was cool and even be appreciated. It wasn't till after the fact that my grandfather yelled at me did I even begin to see the permanent consequences of my actions, and even further till I realized the tackiness of this carved-in coffee table.
This event even had a future following event years down the road, in my mind I made it a direct connection. I made my room furniture a collage of carvings. I was rebelling on my toddler experience, of being yelled at, during my teenager years to even further my self righteous idea that it was not a big deal to carve into a coffee table. As an adult I see I was only partially right and so was my grandfather. Yet my grandfather stands in a more righteous position in this event considering it was his coffee table.
Now this one I really feel dumb! During a major sleet storm in Texas, I was out playing in the ice with my sisters. I happen to run across a piece of ice that was perfect size to throw. Of course as a kid throwing things just sounds fun, but I wanted to add a little more to the situation. I decided to find out what would happen if I threw it at my sister! I don't remember having a mean intention to this action yet I'm not sure what I was expecting. I think I just didn't think about results; I was merely interested in discovering that. Maybe its just early childhood curiosity. The results, my sister was hurt! Sorry Lil Sis, I love ya!! It does make me rethink events such as a child pushing a vase off the table causing it break, maybe the child was discovering.
My discovery in lipstick being able to draw did not go unexperimented either. I don't remember what I wrote but I do remember doing it. I've always enjoyed watching the texture of writing materials as they glide on a surface. I don't ever remember using crayons on the wall, but I think I was told enough times not to use crayons so I didn't connect lipstick to count. It is after all not crayons!
Now as a child it is easy to learn about things but not value. I learned easily that the thermostat controls temperature. What I did not learn that it cost money and money has a limit! When I saw my little Chihuahua shivering one day I really thought I was being smart, so I turned up the thermostat. Solved the problem of my dog being cold, did not help my dad feel any better!
I think adults forget these innocent times of being a child. It's a time to learn and experience the basic simple things. I am going to choose to remember such times during the life of my child. Maybe slip back in such a mindset and even set up a situation under my supervision. Who knows it could work!
Thursday, May 26, 2011
Elementary Years, My Dear Watson
These years are probably the most unexciting part of my life but most definitively sets the bases of the rest of my years in motion. I can quickly sum it up as having a fairly typical type of struggles that a middle class family in need of a public image would have. By public image, I mean my father is a preacher so a good deal of our lives is based on image. My mother was probably a little too emotional while my Father was not! I really don't want to get into my perception of my parents or even other people as I want to mainly deal with my approach to these relationships.
Like I mentioned in my previous blog I was an emotionally spoiled teachers pet. I spoke baby talk way too long and I felt like fuzzy rainbows were the guardians of life. I love my mom and never will stop, to the point where I remember punching my dad's gonads for teasing my mother one day. My parents are horrible for one another but at this time with me being so young I could not see this.
I was born in West Texas, but moved to Central Texas before my memory kicked in. I grew up with 2 older sisters by 4 and 3 years. We always had a dog, and the first one I remember was Buster. I really don't remember much of him, but I remember that he looked blue to me. I also remember the day he died; my mother accidentally ran him over and she cried for hours. Then we got a Pomeranian named Smokey. I was still too young to remember much of him, although he was fuzzy and little and liked to jump around a lot. My Dad ran him over with a school bus that he drove for a year.
I used to wake up to the sound of a rooster that my neighbors across the street had. I ask my Dad if he remembered these roosters and he said it drove him nuts, but I loved waking up to the sound of a rooster. Sometimes the baby chickens would find their way over to our house and we would pick them up and play with them in the house. Smokey even enjoyed doing this!
I lived in a parsonage during this time and have a lot of my life, so the Church was always right next to me. Though I was much too young to really understand what a Church was, I just knew people showed up once a week. It was boring to sit there, but I did wonder why so many people came to hear my dad stand up front speaking about things.
When I started school, I was really kinda used to the groups of people growing up in the church. However, I was used to being the center of attention when adults picked a kid they tend to pay more attention to the preachers kid then they do to another child. I just came to school smiling and ready to learn. I made friends pretty easily and always wanted to include everyone from the so-called weird kids, to even the mean kids. I thought if I was nice to them that they would see no reason to act so harshly towards people. Never thought kindness could be perceived as a weakness.
After 2 years in Central Texas School, we moved to Missouri. Just to another church this time, with a graveyard on the other side of the church. We got a Chihuahua that was mine. His name was Igulia, or however you spell it. 'Eagle' in Spanish! He was a pure white dog that ran everywhere, and man he ran fast and loved it. His best friend was our other dog named Bogey. I have no idea what kind of dog he was, but he was huge! Bogey was so lazy that he would actually be laying down when he ate his food, he simply flopped his head in the bowl tilting it and just started eating like that.
My oldest sister had a couple hamsters named chipper and putter (get the animal naming pattern of this time, our dad was a golfer). My Chihuahua got too close to the hamsters and killed one of them though. She still reminds me to this very day! We got some rabbits too. First one was Stampy and the second one was Fuzzy. Stampy broke his back jumping out of my oldest sisters hands one day. I still remind her of this! Our other sister was a sport person even more than me, the boy! Though I'm not really a sport person I like playing here and there but I'm not like grunting and slapping people's asses while hooting and hollering.
After two years in Missouri we went to East Texas. This time not in a parsonage my dad got a housing allowance to get a house. A couple of kids that lived across the street told us that no couple has ever lived in that house without getting a divorce. That freaked my spoiled ass out, but I didn't believe it. Two years later, my parents divorced and we moved back to West Texas. Not to say I think the house is what did it but that is kinda odd. lol!
We did get some German Shepherds at this house. First its was Baylor, he was my dad's dog. He looked like a bear and since my dad graduated at Baylor University, whose mascot is a bear, he named the dog Baylor. This dog was just smart! He could untie ropes without chewing through them and open doors and windows. I even learned that he was a natural at football getting in stance and waiting for the word hut! How he learned that, I will never know.
Daffinee was our next German Shepard. She was blonde and I remember her being very sweet. She got shot hanging out at our neighbors house one day by some punk that lived past the woods behind us. He said he thought it was our neighbor's dog. We tried getting his guns taken away for being irresponsible with them, but the court ruled against it. Daffinee lost that leg where she was shot, but her life was spared and her spirit was great.
After Daffinee got shot, we got Shiloh. She looked a lot like Baylor, but much more feminine. Now with 3 German Shepherds, we had a house full. Luckily we did have a huge gated front yard. When the divorce kicked in, we had to get rid of all 3. I do believe that they all ended up being together at some guys farm, but who knows!
Like I mentioned in my previous blog I was an emotionally spoiled teachers pet. I spoke baby talk way too long and I felt like fuzzy rainbows were the guardians of life. I love my mom and never will stop, to the point where I remember punching my dad's gonads for teasing my mother one day. My parents are horrible for one another but at this time with me being so young I could not see this.
I was born in West Texas, but moved to Central Texas before my memory kicked in. I grew up with 2 older sisters by 4 and 3 years. We always had a dog, and the first one I remember was Buster. I really don't remember much of him, but I remember that he looked blue to me. I also remember the day he died; my mother accidentally ran him over and she cried for hours. Then we got a Pomeranian named Smokey. I was still too young to remember much of him, although he was fuzzy and little and liked to jump around a lot. My Dad ran him over with a school bus that he drove for a year.
I used to wake up to the sound of a rooster that my neighbors across the street had. I ask my Dad if he remembered these roosters and he said it drove him nuts, but I loved waking up to the sound of a rooster. Sometimes the baby chickens would find their way over to our house and we would pick them up and play with them in the house. Smokey even enjoyed doing this!
I lived in a parsonage during this time and have a lot of my life, so the Church was always right next to me. Though I was much too young to really understand what a Church was, I just knew people showed up once a week. It was boring to sit there, but I did wonder why so many people came to hear my dad stand up front speaking about things.
When I started school, I was really kinda used to the groups of people growing up in the church. However, I was used to being the center of attention when adults picked a kid they tend to pay more attention to the preachers kid then they do to another child. I just came to school smiling and ready to learn. I made friends pretty easily and always wanted to include everyone from the so-called weird kids, to even the mean kids. I thought if I was nice to them that they would see no reason to act so harshly towards people. Never thought kindness could be perceived as a weakness.
After 2 years in Central Texas School, we moved to Missouri. Just to another church this time, with a graveyard on the other side of the church. We got a Chihuahua that was mine. His name was Igulia, or however you spell it. 'Eagle' in Spanish! He was a pure white dog that ran everywhere, and man he ran fast and loved it. His best friend was our other dog named Bogey. I have no idea what kind of dog he was, but he was huge! Bogey was so lazy that he would actually be laying down when he ate his food, he simply flopped his head in the bowl tilting it and just started eating like that.
My oldest sister had a couple hamsters named chipper and putter (get the animal naming pattern of this time, our dad was a golfer). My Chihuahua got too close to the hamsters and killed one of them though. She still reminds me to this very day! We got some rabbits too. First one was Stampy and the second one was Fuzzy. Stampy broke his back jumping out of my oldest sisters hands one day. I still remind her of this! Our other sister was a sport person even more than me, the boy! Though I'm not really a sport person I like playing here and there but I'm not like grunting and slapping people's asses while hooting and hollering.
After two years in Missouri we went to East Texas. This time not in a parsonage my dad got a housing allowance to get a house. A couple of kids that lived across the street told us that no couple has ever lived in that house without getting a divorce. That freaked my spoiled ass out, but I didn't believe it. Two years later, my parents divorced and we moved back to West Texas. Not to say I think the house is what did it but that is kinda odd. lol!
We did get some German Shepherds at this house. First its was Baylor, he was my dad's dog. He looked like a bear and since my dad graduated at Baylor University, whose mascot is a bear, he named the dog Baylor. This dog was just smart! He could untie ropes without chewing through them and open doors and windows. I even learned that he was a natural at football getting in stance and waiting for the word hut! How he learned that, I will never know.
Daffinee was our next German Shepard. She was blonde and I remember her being very sweet. She got shot hanging out at our neighbors house one day by some punk that lived past the woods behind us. He said he thought it was our neighbor's dog. We tried getting his guns taken away for being irresponsible with them, but the court ruled against it. Daffinee lost that leg where she was shot, but her life was spared and her spirit was great.
After Daffinee got shot, we got Shiloh. She looked a lot like Baylor, but much more feminine. Now with 3 German Shepherds, we had a house full. Luckily we did have a huge gated front yard. When the divorce kicked in, we had to get rid of all 3. I do believe that they all ended up being together at some guys farm, but who knows!
Tuesday, May 24, 2011
Just establishing the habit
The hardest thing about writing is finding the time of the day to write. I mean come on! What I'm doing right now is not difficult! My biggest problem is I get my day all out of whack, then lose track of time and end up not writing. I feel like I have much to say (Despite the fact that this blog is all about writing a blog, I may go into more). I enjoy learning about various topics from politics to religion to just random facts. I admit I get too passionate at times and may sometimes sound like a crazy person! I apologize this is one reason I am wanting to get my experience with the public so I can control myself on a daily basis. I wanna create my mentality to a humble, yet actively wise individual that people enjoy hearing from. I do not want to become part of the problem, where people just go back and forth on some pendulum swing argument. Stupid Liberals, Stupid Conservatives!! Come on now, both sides are equally stupid as well as intelligent. I may tend to agree with one side over the other, but I do not find stupidity to be in the minds of my opposers.
Let me explain myself in a little more detail. I grew up as an emotionally spoiled momma's boy that was a teachers pet! Up until my parents divorce at 11 years of age. A much needed slap in the face came that day when I found out the utopia I was in was merely the love my parents had for me; trying their hardest to keep me from the worlds insanity. That wasn't going to last forever and I question the logic of it!
At the time I guess I responded like any spoiled kid that would respond to such a situation: I acted out! I was a little of a trouble maker during these next few years! I did a lot of drugs (mainly smoked pot), partying, and stealing. I didn't listen to people, well at least I pretended I was not. Looking back on those selfish days, I really think how stupid I was. Yet them days are what brought fourth the basis of what is about to come that gave me my life and my enlightenment.
I decided one day after a talk with my dad and stepmother to change my settings. Moving from Texas to Indiana at the age of 15. I still loved being high though. Now I guess I have always had the mix of being socially odd with being socially keen. Doesn't make much sense, does it! LOL! Well its the immediate that I have always been good at but the long term seems to have trouble on. At a young age I have developed interests that the majority of kids my age where simply not interested in. I even had times where I just felt the need to publicize my interest on such things, like politics and religion. I wanted to end the suffering that I saw right after life slapped me in my face. My family was not wealthy and a few were jail birds. They still worked honest jobs.
I started focusing on Psychology with a mind set that Psychology is discovered by man, not created. So God must have set it to his/her liking. By age 18 I had parts of brain and functions memorized. I started to just ponder the relevance of this. Naturally for me, I saw optimism in all functions which I'll probably blog about one day! Every bit of the brain seemed to beautifully organized and serving some higher purpose. The percentage of people with the mind to bend the envelope compared to the percentage of people that fight change even seems to serve a purpose that ultimately is better for society. Imagine the world with all one way or the other if all pushed to bend then we would simply have over 6 billion ideas to discuss and if leaned the other way we would never progress. Now look at how it is, though the struggle is hard sooner or later change takes shape and the mindset to keep the habit maintains this new era.
Now towards the end of high school I ended up on the bad edge with my step mother and dad. I guess we just disagreed or something but I was out on my own now. Fortunately I found a BMW for very cheap a year earlier and that gave me much protection from nature. I was still in high school and really it would have been very easy to just drop out which crossed my mind several times. Thankfully, I had cousins that years before told me to promise them to graduate high school and I told them I will and I personally hate going against my word. To me, my word is a representation of who I am, so if I break that then I am not worth shit. So I graduated high school, and found out colleges aren't very accepting of the homeless and I frequently pondered how I was going to get into college.
I spent years just doing what it takes to live, I even traveled the country hitch-hiking around trying to just stumble on my opportunity. I won't get into many details at this moment about everything but I will say one thing understanding the difficulties a homeless person has to bear on a daily basis can not be understood by someone who has never lived it. The longer you are out there the more difficulties you will encounter so a month long homeless person can not understand someone that has spent a year or more. We will be a lot better off if we can just comprehend that single factor. (No I don't support just holding people's hands and giving them everything either so don't jump to conclusions)
Now I'm going to admit something that is going to probably add a bit of un-trusting nature to my existence to most people's perceptions. I hustled up money in whatever ways I could. This included several illegal activities during this time. I'm not going to just flat out say it at this moment, until I can be sure of my legal safety. These activities are really what gave me a chance in joining the conventional world. Believe it or not, just realize that you probably are pre-assuming factors.
During my years I have seen much unnecessary violence and hatred. I have engaged in much activities that will shame my consciousness, yet each and every event has given me a moment to open my eyes and seek enlightenment. I ended up in a stuck position however, I had principle actions to maintain for the guarantee of my income vs. the principles I have learned through seeking wisdom here on earth. For years I conflicted myself and still do to this day.
I did however manage to get myself into college, while still struggling for an income, but I managed it. Till one day I was in an accident that left me 33% burnt in 3rd degree burns. I spent 1 month in a hospital burn unit and had 3 surgeries. This single event gave me a better chance at life. I am now still attending college and live back with my father with no step mother (who ended up having some things to work out). Now my only struggles are what struggles a family struggles with. Me and my dad don't always see eye to eye and I can sit here and bad mouth him with probable causes but I find this to be something that will not get me anywhere. I can only decide how I respond to situations and what choices I make.
Let me explain myself in a little more detail. I grew up as an emotionally spoiled momma's boy that was a teachers pet! Up until my parents divorce at 11 years of age. A much needed slap in the face came that day when I found out the utopia I was in was merely the love my parents had for me; trying their hardest to keep me from the worlds insanity. That wasn't going to last forever and I question the logic of it!
At the time I guess I responded like any spoiled kid that would respond to such a situation: I acted out! I was a little of a trouble maker during these next few years! I did a lot of drugs (mainly smoked pot), partying, and stealing. I didn't listen to people, well at least I pretended I was not. Looking back on those selfish days, I really think how stupid I was. Yet them days are what brought fourth the basis of what is about to come that gave me my life and my enlightenment.
I decided one day after a talk with my dad and stepmother to change my settings. Moving from Texas to Indiana at the age of 15. I still loved being high though. Now I guess I have always had the mix of being socially odd with being socially keen. Doesn't make much sense, does it! LOL! Well its the immediate that I have always been good at but the long term seems to have trouble on. At a young age I have developed interests that the majority of kids my age where simply not interested in. I even had times where I just felt the need to publicize my interest on such things, like politics and religion. I wanted to end the suffering that I saw right after life slapped me in my face. My family was not wealthy and a few were jail birds. They still worked honest jobs.
I started focusing on Psychology with a mind set that Psychology is discovered by man, not created. So God must have set it to his/her liking. By age 18 I had parts of brain and functions memorized. I started to just ponder the relevance of this. Naturally for me, I saw optimism in all functions which I'll probably blog about one day! Every bit of the brain seemed to beautifully organized and serving some higher purpose. The percentage of people with the mind to bend the envelope compared to the percentage of people that fight change even seems to serve a purpose that ultimately is better for society. Imagine the world with all one way or the other if all pushed to bend then we would simply have over 6 billion ideas to discuss and if leaned the other way we would never progress. Now look at how it is, though the struggle is hard sooner or later change takes shape and the mindset to keep the habit maintains this new era.
Now towards the end of high school I ended up on the bad edge with my step mother and dad. I guess we just disagreed or something but I was out on my own now. Fortunately I found a BMW for very cheap a year earlier and that gave me much protection from nature. I was still in high school and really it would have been very easy to just drop out which crossed my mind several times. Thankfully, I had cousins that years before told me to promise them to graduate high school and I told them I will and I personally hate going against my word. To me, my word is a representation of who I am, so if I break that then I am not worth shit. So I graduated high school, and found out colleges aren't very accepting of the homeless and I frequently pondered how I was going to get into college.
I spent years just doing what it takes to live, I even traveled the country hitch-hiking around trying to just stumble on my opportunity. I won't get into many details at this moment about everything but I will say one thing understanding the difficulties a homeless person has to bear on a daily basis can not be understood by someone who has never lived it. The longer you are out there the more difficulties you will encounter so a month long homeless person can not understand someone that has spent a year or more. We will be a lot better off if we can just comprehend that single factor. (No I don't support just holding people's hands and giving them everything either so don't jump to conclusions)
Now I'm going to admit something that is going to probably add a bit of un-trusting nature to my existence to most people's perceptions. I hustled up money in whatever ways I could. This included several illegal activities during this time. I'm not going to just flat out say it at this moment, until I can be sure of my legal safety. These activities are really what gave me a chance in joining the conventional world. Believe it or not, just realize that you probably are pre-assuming factors.
During my years I have seen much unnecessary violence and hatred. I have engaged in much activities that will shame my consciousness, yet each and every event has given me a moment to open my eyes and seek enlightenment. I ended up in a stuck position however, I had principle actions to maintain for the guarantee of my income vs. the principles I have learned through seeking wisdom here on earth. For years I conflicted myself and still do to this day.
I did however manage to get myself into college, while still struggling for an income, but I managed it. Till one day I was in an accident that left me 33% burnt in 3rd degree burns. I spent 1 month in a hospital burn unit and had 3 surgeries. This single event gave me a better chance at life. I am now still attending college and live back with my father with no step mother (who ended up having some things to work out). Now my only struggles are what struggles a family struggles with. Me and my dad don't always see eye to eye and I can sit here and bad mouth him with probable causes but I find this to be something that will not get me anywhere. I can only decide how I respond to situations and what choices I make.
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